Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

[RAVENOUS52]

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this post are for entertainment purposes only and in no way reflect the beliefs of the management or administration of this delightful website. Any similarities to persons alive, dead, or Lee Evans is purely coincidental. Any fans masquerading as orange seats at Cleveland Browns Stadium was completely understandable, yet strangely P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C, considering how much they whined about not having a team... And now, on to this sporadic semi-weekly post of Internet grab-ass I like to call- Heroes & Goats...





HEROES:

1) RAY RICE- It doesn't take a Scientology major to figure out that you're out of this world, bro... You are the octane that fuels this Jefferson Starship and you prove it each week.:respect

2) TORREY SMITH- I guess the naysayers who worried about your hands can officially STFU and marvel at your sky-walking acrobatic catches with the rest of us... Your ability to make dudes look flat-out SILLY after the catch is pretty damned impressive too!

3) ANQUAN BOLDIN- When it comes to moving the chains and kick-starting our sometimes floundering offense, our "Q" makes that character from Star Trek look like a intergalactic pussy.

4) DANNELL ELLERBE- If you didn't get the defensive game ball after Sunday's performance, I'm headed to Owings Mills tomorrow and kicking Dean Pees directly in his bloody bollocks, mate.

5) BERNARD PIERCE- Speaking of kicking, that stupid kicking penalty almost knocked you off this list, but I have to say you've made the most of what few scraps you've been fed in the run game. Congrats on the first of hopefully many TDs in a Ravens uniform!


Honorable Mentions:

1. Anthony Allen- That crucial tackle in the 4th Qtr was my favorite special teams play since Jacoby Jones took that kickoff to the house and did the Prime Time Dance...

2. Courtney Upshaw- Your early emergence as a baller who can both rush the passer and stop the run means your time to be assigned as an every down defender is closer than Qadry Ismail's haircut...


GOATS:

1) JIMMY SMITH- In coverage, this dude is more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish market. Please God, we don't need another Frank Walker...:grbac::bag:

2) CARY WILLIAMS- Other teams pick on you so much, you're bound to catch an INT here and there purely from the volume of throws made your way. But make no mistake, you SUCK. I'm talking Linda Lovelace on steroids, bro...:grbac:

3) DEFENSIVE LINE- I know some of you are injured, but for the love of Kipp Vickers, you've got to apply more heat than what we've seen so far. Bend but don't break can only bend for so long before we get F**KED!

4) MICHAEL OHER- I swear I don't consider the game officially underway until you get flagged for something or other, Blind Mike. This game you upped the ante by getting your big ass hip-tossed, too...:grbac:

5) ED DICKSON- This season, David Copperfield could learn a thing or two about disappearing from you!:grbac: I mean, damn... Did you attend Hogwarts recently or something?