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  1. #1

    Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)



    DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this post are for entertainment purposes only and in no way reflect the beliefs of the management or administration of this delightful website. Any similarities to persons alive, dead, or Lee Evans is purely coincidental. Any fans masquerading as orange seats at Cleveland Browns Stadium was completely understandable, yet strangely P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C, considering how much they whined about not having a team... And now, on to this sporadic semi-weekly post of Internet grab-ass I like to call- Heroes & Goats...





    HEROES:

    1) RAY RICE- It doesn't take a Scientology major to figure out that you're out of this world, bro... You are the octane that fuels this Jefferson Starship and you prove it each week.

    2) TORREY SMITH- I guess the naysayers who worried about your hands can officially STFU and marvel at your sky-walking acrobatic catches with the rest of us... Your ability to make dudes look flat-out SILLY after the catch is pretty damned impressive too!

    3) ANQUAN BOLDIN- When it comes to moving the chains and kick-starting our sometimes floundering offense, our "Q" makes that character from Star Trek look like a intergalactic pussy.

    4) DANNELL ELLERBE- If you didn't get the defensive game ball after Sunday's performance, I'm headed to Owings Mills tomorrow and kicking Dean Pees directly in his bloody bollocks, mate.

    5) BERNARD PIERCE- Speaking of kicking, that stupid kicking penalty almost knocked you off this list, but I have to say you've made the most of what few scraps you've been fed in the run game. Congrats on the first of hopefully many TDs in a Ravens uniform!


    Honorable Mentions:

    1. Anthony Allen- That crucial tackle in the 4th Qtr was my favorite special teams play since Jacoby Jones took that kickoff to the house and did the Prime Time Dance...

    2. Courtney Upshaw- Your early emergence as a baller who can both rush the passer and stop the run means your time to be assigned as an every down defender is closer than Qadry Ismail's haircut...


    GOATS:

    1) JIMMY SMITH- In coverage, this dude is more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish market. Please God, we don't need another Frank Walker...

    2) CARY WILLIAMS- Other teams pick on you so much, you're bound to catch an INT here and there purely from the volume of throws made your way. But make no mistake, you SUCK. I'm talking Linda Lovelace on steroids, bro...

    3) DEFENSIVE LINE- I know some of you are injured, but for the love of Kipp Vickers, you've got to apply more heat than what we've seen so far. Bend but don't break can only bend for so long before we get F**KED!

    4) MICHAEL OHER- I swear I don't consider the game officially underway until you get flagged for something or other, Blind Mike. This game you upped the ante by getting your big ass hip-tossed, too...

    5) ED DICKSON- This season, David Copperfield could learn a thing or two about disappearing from you! I mean, damn... Did you attend Hogwarts recently or something?
    Last edited by RAVENOUS52; 11-08-2012 at 02:30 PM.




  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Awesome as always. The Q is an intergalactic pussy line had me in tears.
    "I got this." - Justin Tucker




  3. #3

    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Your honorable mentions went from 1 to 3. Other than that, awesome!




  4. #4
    Join Date
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    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    The emoticon after the fish market line is fucking classic!!! Where in the world do you find those?
    Never get in a fight with a pig; you both get muddy, and the pig likes it...





  5. #5

    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Quote Originally Posted by RAVENOUS52;513346
    [B
    1) JIMMY SMITH-[/B] In coverage, this dude is more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish market. Please God, we don't need another Frank Walker...


    I'm not seeing how Jimmy deserves to be a Goat, Weeden clearly decided to pick on Cary and Corey Graham more. He gave up about 2 catches for less than 20 yards.

    I see he's going to get the Oher treatment, meaning he'll shoulder much more blame than he should just for past mistakes.

    Edit:But the fish market and the emoticon are freaking priceless
    Last edited by Justlovemybirds; 11-07-2012 at 10:12 AM.




  6. #6
    Join Date
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    Great stuff as always!

    But the one time I am ready to agree with you about Harbs and you leave him off your list?!?! His penalty, the second time he's been flagged this season, was inexcusable.
    WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to literary devices not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.




  7. #7

    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Agree or disagree, this is always good stuff. Thanks, man.
    Festivus

    His definitions and arguments were so clear in his own mind that he was unable to understand how any reasonable person could honestly differ with him.




  8. #8
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    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Quote Originally Posted by Justlovemybirds View Post


    I'm not seeing how Jimmy deserves to be a Goat, Weeden clearly decided to pick on Cary and Corey Graham more. He gave up about 2 catches for less than 20 yards.

    I see he's going to get the Oher treatment, meaning he'll shoulder much more blame than he should just for past mistakes.
    You didn't know that he isn't suppose to let anyone catch a ball...Ever?!

    Btw...I don't agree with the Smith callout, but the fish market line made me lol.
    "What would you give for the man beside you?"




  9. #9
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    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Quote Originally Posted by Justlovemybirds View Post


    I'm not seeing how Jimmy deserves to be a Goat, Weeden clearly decided to pick on Cary and Corey Graham more. He gave up about 2 catches for less than 20 yards.

    I see he's going to get the Oher treatment, meaning he'll shoulder much more blame than he should just for past mistakes.
    Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer.

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  10. #10
    Join Date
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    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Vonta Leach needs to be on the hero list, and Pierce should be on the honorable mention list, other than that, great stuff as always.




  11. #11

    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Offense goes 2 quarters without a first down and the QB isn't a goat?




  12. #12

    Re: Heroes & Goats ("The Drive" Edition)

    Quote Originally Posted by esmd View Post
    The emoticon after the fish market line is fucking classic!!! Where in the world do you find those?
    Just type in "smilies" on any of the various competing search engines and click away.

    Quote Originally Posted by Justlovemybirds
    I'm not seeing how Jimmy deserves to be a Goat, Weeden clearly decided to pick on Cary and Corey Graham more. He gave up about 2 catches for less than 20 yards.

    I see he's going to get the Oher treatment, meaning he'll shoulder much more blame than he should just for past mistakes.

    Edit:But the fish market and the emoticon are freaking priceless
    I just don't think that he's shown much at all the past few games, ESPECIALLY for a first-round pick with all the physical measurables you would want. He looks lost out there most of the time and needs to get BETTER. NOW.

    Quote Originally Posted by HoustonRaven
    Great stuff as always!

    But the one time I am ready to agree with you about Harbs and you leave him off your list?!?! His penalty, the second time he's been flagged this season, was inexcusable.
    Thanks! Don't get me started on the lack of discipline the Harbster has shown this year and the trickle-down affect it's had on the team in nearly every phase of the game. Eventually our good fortune in avoiding catastrophe WILL run out. Truth is, I decided not to torch his ass this week since we won. There, I said it.

    Quote Originally Posted by festivus
    Agree or disagree, this is always good stuff. Thanks, man.
    Thanks bro... Never let it be said that I'm perfect, or that I don't face my detractors and supporters...

    Quote Originally Posted by leachisabeast
    Vonta Leach needs to be on the hero list, and Pierce should be on the honorable mention list, other than that, great stuff as always.
    Perhaps I'll just start including him as a part of Ray Rice's Hero comments. The guy is the best blocking fullback in the NFL, after all.

    Quote Originally Posted by RavensNTerps
    Offense goes 2 quarters without a first down and the QB isn't a goat?
    Ahh, the 800-pound gorilla in the room. Yes, Joe Flacco was a Goat in my opinion this week. But I can't very well list him as one when he pulls together a winning drive at the end, can I? Maybe I can, but I chose not to... (For now)




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