*fade in from black*

ANNOUNCER: In a world… where no one will protect you…

*rapid-fire video montage of Joe Flacco and Matt Cassel being repeatedly and violently sacked*

Friday…

*ominous music plays*

August 19...

*sound of hammer and anvil*

The Baltimore Ravens visit the Kansas City Chiefs...

*sound of football pads colliding at high speed*

Two warriors…

*more ominous music*

Gaither

versus

Cousins

*sound of distant screams, horror-movie-style*

Two men enter…

One man leaves…

Well, I mean if he feels like it, and isn't busy or something…

*sound of football players tackling, grunting*

On the gridiron it's lack of talent versus lack of work ethic…

*sound of an X-box video game*

*still shot of Gaither standing around with his belly hanging out of his shirt*

*still shot of Cousins fighting with his own teammates*

*fade to black*

*sound of frightened little boy asking, "Mommy, are bad offensive tackles real?"

FRIDAY. NIGHT. FOOTBALL.