NFL Player spontaneously combusts

[Greg]

AP: Berea, OH - After Browns C Ephraim was suspended for 4 games, head coach Romeo Crennel called in Ross Tucker to advise him he would be the starting center for the upcoming pre-season game. After receiving the news on his way back to his room Tucker burst into flames and was nothing but ashes in under a second.

Approximately 2 hours later Phil Savage was on the phone with Eagles GM Tom Heckert. Savage inquired about backup center Fraley. But more woes beset the Browns in their attempt to acquire a center when Fraley was adbucted by aliens while the trade talks went on.

NFL agents and GMs are now all avoiding Savage's calls in an attempt to protect their players. One agent was quoted as saying "Some of my players were happier to flip burgers than to play in Cleveland before this started. Now they are telling me to not even answer the phone. They are downright scared!"

The Browns are now petitioning the NFL to allow the quarterback to take the snap from the line himself and require the opposing defenders to count to "4 Mississippi" before rushing the quarterback.