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  1. #13

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ravenboy2003 View Post
    If you guys want to laugh your asses off for the rest of the afternoon, go on Amazon and look up "Diet Haribo Gummy Bears"

    And then start reading the reviews.

    Someone sent me the link a couple months ago and I spent an afternoon at work with my office door shut and in tears from laughing so hard.

    Well, I now know of a good cleanser that I hadn't previously been aware of before.

    http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-F...DateDescending

    It was a Sunday afternoon and I was just settling in to watch some football . I was alone in the house except for Newman, our French Angora rabbit, and my 5lb bag of sugar free gummy bears. At the opening kickoff I tore open the package and started with a huge handful. Several fell to the ground, but I really didn't care, as Newman is an indiscriminate eater, to put it mildly. Midway through both the second handful, and the second quarter, I began sweating profusely. Time seemed to start randomly slowing down and speeding up, and the TV screen seemed to be strangely fuzzy. Suddenly I felt the monster from Alien chewing at my duodenum, and doubled over in excruciating agony, as the monster slowing chewed it's way towards my rectum.
    I slumped to the ground and only a Herculean effort pulled myself to my elbows. The alien was now banging on my inner sphincter, and I silently thanked my years of hockey for the gluteus muscles that were now my Maginot line against the pure evil that was desperately trying to break free. I knew that if I allowed it to pass, all mankind would suffer. With legs gone numb from the agonizing shards of gummy glass perforating my colon, I slowly made my way towards the half bath, thankfully located in the mudroom.
    How long I crawled I have no recollection of. For me it seemed an eternity, and while I cannot be sure, I seem to remember a curious traveler, poised next to a clear glass orb, upon which various knobs and levers in ornate Victorian style were mounted. While he made no move to help me, I could see the tears welling in his eyes as he silently mouthed the words "don't forget the rabbit". In my state I couldn't understand his meaning and despair overwhelmed me and blotted everything else.

    I awoke on the bathroom floor. The shining porcelain throne was within reach, and I dragged myself upwards, then onto the seat. To my horror, instead of the comforting hermetic seal of my Mayfair 13EC-066 Soft Toilet Seat with Wood Core I felt the cold and clammy embrace of the yellow bowl water.
    The lid was up and I had fallen in, victim of my own "if it's yellow, let it mellow" mantra. I didn't care though, levering myself up, I felt my defenses crumble and give way. What came next was the vilest creation of man, a gluey, sodden mess of putrefaction that one would expect to come out of a bloated, corpse. The Sphincter Tsunami exited so quickly that the water in the bowl sloshed up the sides and over, in a cascade of unbearable filth. This went on for many seconds, but finally slowed and sputtered to a stop.
    While my bowels felt empty and weak, to my horror I realized that my own liquids were digesting my sphincter from the outside now, like the starfish that regurgitates it's stomach to eat the clam. Toilet paper was out of the question, as it felt like acid sandpaper against my partially devoured flesh. It was then that I noticed Newman, lying comatose on the floor, and the words of the time traveler came back to me, "remember the rabbit" Putting aside my guilt, I picked him up and thought, if the bear can do it, so can I.





  2. #14
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Ocean City, MD
    Posts
    205

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    My favorite Amazon reviews will always be from the Hutzler banana slicer.

    http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Ba...=banana+slicer
    Facebook -> Craig.Ciurca
    Twitter -> @papa_ciurca
    Instagram -> @papa_ciurca





  3. #15
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    RVA
    Posts
    4,923

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ravenboy2003 View Post
    Wow..

    I'm an Amazon guy.. Amazon Fire TV.. Amazon Fire Stick that travels with me.. Kindle HDX that never leaves my side. Amazon Prime 2-day shipping nazi.



    I seriously need to reconsider.
    ??? Anybody can self-publish to the Kindle store.





  4. #16

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Rule 34.





  5. #17

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ravenboy2003 View Post
    If you guys want to laugh your asses off for the rest of the afternoon, go on Amazon and look up "Diet Haribo Gummy Bears"

    And then start reading the reviews.

    Someone sent me the link a couple months ago and I spent an afternoon at work with my office door shut and in tears from laughing so hard.
    The Gronk thing is both amusing and sad at the same time. I can't make fun of it more than it does on it's own.

    I took your advice and yes, the comment section is the best I've ever read. No exaggeration required.





  6. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    The Land of Verdite
    Posts
    52,645
    Blog Entries
    1

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    It's nice to see that this is the direction society is taking.
    "Please take with you this final sword, The Excellector. I am praying that your journey will be guided by the light", Leon Shore





  7. #19
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Posts
    14,497
    Blog Entries
    1

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Wow! Just WOW!
    Let Joe Cool lead the way 😎





  8. #20
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Frederick, MD
    Posts
    890

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    I actually work with two Pat's fans that I may be able to bet them into reading this book if the Ravens win this weekend... it's going to be a fun lunch break tomorrow, that's all I'm sayin...

    EDIT -

    Oh hey, a moment after I posted this, I found this.
    Last edited by Ngata_Ate_My_Lunch; 01-07-2015 at 05:19 PM.





  9. #21
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Portland
    Posts
    2,324

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Maybe there's a way to Gronk Huge Ships





  10. #22
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Centreville, MD
    Posts
    5,299

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Never get in a fight with a pig; you both get muddy, and the pig likes it...






  11. #23

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Quote Originally Posted by Saltwater_Rider View Post
    My favorite Amazon reviews will always be from the Hutzler banana slicer.

    http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Ba...=banana+slicer
    Mine too. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO!
    "This space for rent" - Roger Goodell





  12. #24

    Re: So this is real. Apparently.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ravenboy2003 View Post
    If you guys want to laugh your asses off for the rest of the afternoon, go on Amazon and look up "Diet Haribo Gummy Bears"

    And then start reading the reviews.

    Someone sent me the link a couple months ago and I spent an afternoon at work with my office door shut and in tears from laughing so hard.
    Didn't even realize this until now, but I stumbled across this:



    (Slow motion shouting): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN'TTTTTTTTT DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!





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