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Thread: So this is real. Apparently.
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01-07-2015, 04:36 PM #13Pro Bowl Poster
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Re: So this is real. Apparently.
Well, I now know of a good cleanser that I hadn't previously been aware of before.
http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-F...DateDescending
It was a Sunday afternoon and I was just settling in to watch some football . I was alone in the house except for Newman, our French Angora rabbit, and my 5lb bag of sugar free gummy bears. At the opening kickoff I tore open the package and started with a huge handful. Several fell to the ground, but I really didn't care, as Newman is an indiscriminate eater, to put it mildly. Midway through both the second handful, and the second quarter, I began sweating profusely. Time seemed to start randomly slowing down and speeding up, and the TV screen seemed to be strangely fuzzy. Suddenly I felt the monster from Alien chewing at my duodenum, and doubled over in excruciating agony, as the monster slowing chewed it's way towards my rectum.
I slumped to the ground and only a Herculean effort pulled myself to my elbows. The alien was now banging on my inner sphincter, and I silently thanked my years of hockey for the gluteus muscles that were now my Maginot line against the pure evil that was desperately trying to break free. I knew that if I allowed it to pass, all mankind would suffer. With legs gone numb from the agonizing shards of gummy glass perforating my colon, I slowly made my way towards the half bath, thankfully located in the mudroom.
How long I crawled I have no recollection of. For me it seemed an eternity, and while I cannot be sure, I seem to remember a curious traveler, poised next to a clear glass orb, upon which various knobs and levers in ornate Victorian style were mounted. While he made no move to help me, I could see the tears welling in his eyes as he silently mouthed the words "don't forget the rabbit". In my state I couldn't understand his meaning and despair overwhelmed me and blotted everything else.
I awoke on the bathroom floor. The shining porcelain throne was within reach, and I dragged myself upwards, then onto the seat. To my horror, instead of the comforting hermetic seal of my Mayfair 13EC-066 Soft Toilet Seat with Wood Core I felt the cold and clammy embrace of the yellow bowl water.
The lid was up and I had fallen in, victim of my own "if it's yellow, let it mellow" mantra. I didn't care though, levering myself up, I felt my defenses crumble and give way. What came next was the vilest creation of man, a gluey, sodden mess of putrefaction that one would expect to come out of a bloated, corpse. The Sphincter Tsunami exited so quickly that the water in the bowl sloshed up the sides and over, in a cascade of unbearable filth. This went on for many seconds, but finally slowed and sputtered to a stop.
While my bowels felt empty and weak, to my horror I realized that my own liquids were digesting my sphincter from the outside now, like the starfish that regurgitates it's stomach to eat the clam. Toilet paper was out of the question, as it felt like acid sandpaper against my partially devoured flesh. It was then that I noticed Newman, lying comatose on the floor, and the words of the time traveler came back to me, "remember the rabbit" Putting aside my guilt, I picked him up and thought, if the bear can do it, so can I.
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01-07-2015, 04:38 PM #14Regular 1st Stringer
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- Jul 2011
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Re: So this is real. Apparently.
My favorite Amazon reviews will always be from the Hutzler banana slicer.
http://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Ba...=banana+slicerFacebook -> Craig.Ciurca
Twitter -> @papa_ciurca
Instagram -> @papa_ciurca
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01-07-2015, 04:39 PM #15
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Re: So this is real. Apparently.
Rule 34.
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01-07-2015, 04:44 PM #17
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Re: So this is real. Apparently.
It's nice to see that this is the direction society is taking.
"Please take with you this final sword, The Excellector. I am praying that your journey will be guided by the light", Leon Shore
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Re: So this is real. Apparently.
Wow! Just WOW!
Let Joe Cool lead the way 😎
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01-07-2015, 05:08 PM #20
Re: So this is real. Apparently.
I actually work with two Pat's fans that I may be able to bet them into reading this book if the Ravens win this weekend... it's going to be a fun lunch break tomorrow, that's all I'm sayin...
EDIT -
Oh hey, a moment after I posted this, I found this.Last edited by Ngata_Ate_My_Lunch; 01-07-2015 at 05:19 PM.
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01-07-2015, 05:27 PM #21Pro Bowl Poster
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- Apr 2008
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- Portland
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Re: So this is real. Apparently.
Maybe there's a way to Gronk Huge Ships
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01-07-2015, 05:30 PM #22
Re: So this is real. Apparently.
http://www.tmz.com/2015/01/05/a-gron...ert-gottfried/
bwahahahahahahaNever get in a fight with a pig; you both get muddy, and the pig likes it...
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01-07-2015, 05:44 PM #23
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01-08-2015, 02:25 PM #24Pro Bowl Poster
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- Jan 2013
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