Heroes & Goats (Batch-Slapped Edition)
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this post are for entertainment purposes only and in no way reflect the beliefs of the management or administration of this delightful website. Any similarities to persons alive, dead, or Lee Evans is purely coincidental. So without the play-calling genius of Cam Cameron or the play-challenging brilliance of John Harbaugh influencing my performance, I humbly present to you this clearly ELITE edition of-Heroes & Goats...
1) RAY RICE- Not quite sure what you need to do to prove you deserve to touch the ball more each game, date Cameron's daughter perhaps? But you never complain and always give us your BEST, which in my opinion, makes you the best thing about our offense.
2) ED REED- Our old reliable sure-fire HOF Safety is still making more big plays than Broadway week in and week out, even if his facial appearance suggests that he's a ranked competitor on the bumfight circuit.
3) JUSTIN TUCKER- You rock waaaay more than any rookie kicker has the right to.
4) RAVENS SPECIAL TEAMS- I may joke about the fact that Harbs is a Special Teams coach, but the truth is you guys have really stepped up consistently for this team... Kudos!
5) ANQUAN BOLDIN- I'm calling bullshit on that offensive PI call in the 4th Qtr and a false start penalty doesn't negate the fact that you carried a good chunk of the load for us throughout the game and are probably still the most intimidating WR in the game from a sheer toughness standpoint.
1. Vonta Leach- The Juggernaut strikes again! They may STILL be removing shredded pieces of Casey Hampton's uniform and dignity out of the turf at M&T Bank today! Also, I never knew that a FB/TE hybrid existed until you arrived, bro!
2. Bernard Pierce- You are an excellent change-of-pace back and a real threat to tote the rock all the way to the endzone each time you carry it. Excellent performance Sunday, but you're still carrying Ray Rice's shoulder pads after practice, rookie.
3. Offensive Line- Actually you did a nice job of run blocking and giving Flacco time in the pocket to throw. Not your fault that he wasted it like Justin Timberlake in that sci-fi flick with Amanda Seyfried.
4. Corey Graham- What can I say about a guy thrust in a starting role who comes up big each week? In the words of Samuel L. Jackson: "GOOD JOB, MOTHAFUCKA!!"
1) JOE FLACCO- Why do you feel it's okay to totter around in the pocket and take unnecessary hits/turnovers instead of throwing the ball away or (God Forbid) USING YOUR FUCKING LEGS, Sloppy Joe? No wonder Mike Tomlin's Omar Epps lookin' ass wanted to shake your hand instead of Harbaugh's after the game... Your inaccuracy, incompetence and all-around poor play continually gave his team new life. Being that the game didn't start until 4:25pm ET and given your suckass performance, I'm wondering what exactly were you doing at 4:20?
2) JOHN HARBAUGH/CAM CAMERON- I had to watch Third String Charlie Fucking Batch cry victoriously on the visitor's sideline in our stadium because you two bungling hemorrhoids have the combined brain power and situational awareness of Elmer Fudd. Harbs with a challenge flag is downright embarassing and limiting the touches of our best offensive player yet again proves to me that Cameron either doesn't understand game film or you don't care.
3) PAUL KRUGER- I can't say this is unexpected given the fact that this team has committed a shitload of stupid personal fouls this season. You've gotta understand that there's a thin line between badass and dumbass in today's NFL, peckerhead...
4) PASS RUSH- Yeah, you got Biatch down a few times, but far too often he had enough time to pop a couple Viagra and rub one out to one of Ben's teen porn mags before completing a pass. No es bueno.
5) TORREY SMITH- Your drops and overall lackluster effort can probably be partially credited to frustration due to Flacco's plentiful overthrows/underthrows/wild throws/WTF throws, but I can never excuse such shenanigans from a Maryland Terrapin.